eh.kasikasikasi

I guess where your dreams lie are in the darkest region in the world—very impossible to find.  I always ask this question: Why do the smallest things matters the most? I have a dream and it is just a simple dream. It is easy to reach. I dreamt of LOVE.

I fell in love very young. It lasted for a while. Things were streaming like water flow from below the ground. Circumstances were at the tip of our noses. He was great—that was what I implanted in my mind. We were together for a while and things we do together became common for him perhaps but not for me. All the things we did together were the best things even if those were not a big deal if you consider other perspective. For me what matters most are the smallest things there is. Life is unpredictable; and who would assure me that we can still be what we used to when tomorrow comes? What can happen within an hour or a couple of hours or days, months, years—on one knows.

 A catechist told me, “Love like there’s no tomorrow”. I need to give my best shot. That was how I thought love should be. I followed the advice. I gave all the love I could give to my first love but we failed. Then a friend told me, “Please be careful with your heart”. But when she told me those words it was already too late because my heart was broken into pieces. It was a hell of a roller coaster ride. I was lost. I met someone when I was lost. Later I found out that we were both lost and together we started a journey back to what’s right. It was not an easy road to take. The journey was more difficult than that of my first love. At the juncture the degree was way beyond my catch. I also have the share of the blame because I played with fire. I never thought that it was pretty much dangerous for me. It was so reckless of me to have the confidence to win a game I know I would lose. So I did lose and in the end I suffered more than enough.

I told myself, “Never will I fall in love and I will not have any attachment with guys”. Then my closest friend tied me up with a new one because she was not happy to see me suffer that much. She told me that I shouldn’t have to go through all those because I deserve a better person. Those words struck my head bad. It was a hell of a dumbfounding kind of a piece of advice. She slapped me with words which were directly attacking the fortress of my anti-relationship-ego. She begged me to give myself another chance to be truly happy and not half-happy.

But let us go back from the bottom of all these. I simply had a dream of LOVE and it had lead me to all sorts of heartaches and bruises. My heart is full of stitches and burns. Then I suddenly tried to fix myself. I processed how to sew it well and make it ready for a new one to arrive. So he did arrive but not on the right time. I was merely recuperating when he came but I had no other choice but to grab the rope and promised not to let go.

You know what? I didn’t know what I was thinking. Now that I am deeply attached to this tangled rope, I feel like it is really painful to hold on. I feel like I am in the wrong shoe—that maybe I should go back to the very day that I held my hand to this tangled rope.

But I can’t because fate knows I can’t go on if I let go. Fate knows I will stuck up on the mud and perhaps sink in and never stand. Simple ra man ako gusto. Kanang ipafeel sa ako nga I matter.  Kanang ipakita sa ako kung unsa ko kaimportante bisag sa mga pinakagagmay nga pamaagi. Grabe, dili na lang jud ko kwentahon? Wala na lang jud koy labot sa considerations? Sakita pod anang situation nga kung ikaw sa imung kaugalingon siya ang ipasentro nimo pero kung sa iya dili. Ako ang pinaka una sa listahan nga pwede ra ibalewala tungod kay naa ra ko perme. Tungod kay dili ko mawala. What if mawala ko? What if ako ang dapat sabtonon? What if ang akong say na pod ang iconsider perme? Siguro wala name dugay ra. Tungod kay kabalo ko nga Im not a big deal.

I want to let go. I can’t handle the pain. It’s killing me. It’s paralyzing me. It’s making me crazy and mad. I know this is fatal to my being but I can’t handle it. All the more I feel wasted. I have the tiniest recognition to myself. I don’t matter that much so I know it would not blow him—though it is the otherwise to me. I am stupid.

Now I dream to rest in peace. But before that happens I must ask him and say, “Do I have a say?”

Amidst the gallant effort to complete your mission, let us not deny that one will also find himself up to irrelevant even if one is in a middle of something.  For a clearer picture let’s set an example which is very common to everybody so to speak. Take relationships for an instance. Somehow before a couple gets married they are expected to have come far from who they used to when they just got into the relationship or even when the relationship was just purely romance. With all due respect to the men, but many would say that men get easily tempted and commonly commits third party romance. Women are too weak to get over the idea and end the relationship when they discover that there really is a third party meddling in their promising relationship. Not to mention that most of the women only dream to meet a partner and create a family and live for the future. There are some women who don’t but only few. Let’s not even get there. Let’s go back to the main point of this thingy. It is true that boys do fall in love. The only question is if the love they feel lasts longer than the expected and if it’s true. If it is the second question is if they could sustain it and be faithful about it. Most of them fail to do so. The next thing you will know is that your boyfriend has extra strings attached not necessary in the relationship. Girlfriend gets mad—boyfriend apologies. Girlfriend forgives. Both compromise and everything gets better.

Only when one is in a middle of something unnecessary that one realizes he shouldn’t have been doing it at all. Life is full of irony. Only when there is a setback of all the plans you have made then you will know that you were just on the right track before you had something when you were already in the middle.

I just wonder why I seem to be worried when I am in the middle of the hanging bridge. When I am half way through my thesis and that is where I start to doubt myself. When I was on the second inning in a baseball game I started to feel weak and lousy. When it is 30 minutes passed in a soccer game then I started to pant and stop running. Or when I was in the middle of finishing my science project and I thought of a better project to start. I stopped painting because I can’t get things done. Whenever I am in the middle of accomplishing an art work, then I started to become lost. This is crazy. That is how crucial it is to be in a middle of something.

Perhaps people experience dilemma when they are in a middle of something just like me. It is not easy. Many times I failed because I didn’t face the challenge and stopped somewhere in the middle. Before I could get anything done, I have given it up.

In relationships I have failed so many times. I screwed things up and on the other way around they screwed me as well. Then I give up. But I was never tired of loving. When I realized that I was able to do so an idea came to my mind. If I never got tired of loving then I shouldn’t also be tired of fixing the mess I have caused. Say for instance, I have my unfinished thesis. I have given it all up a year ago but recently I just realized how foolish I was to think that I will not make it. All the time I thought that I wouldn’t make it but I was wrong. Have I known that last year then probably thinking about giving it all up is a very bad idea. Now that I have thought all these then it is the time to tell everyone else that I am back in the game again. The track is all mine and I know that I will make it until the finish line.

Though it seems very late but I believe that being late applies only to school and work but not to life. It never will. Now I am in a middle of something and soon I will be glad to say I am done.